The bottom line is . . . for someone who is being pummeled on the brink--tormented by the demonic who wish to pull you back to the old, fallen ways and self . . . and also being hammered by a conscience with guilt and frustration for not seeming to be able to finally overcome and move into the restful freedom of the Lord . . . .
It most likely just means . . . that some hidden part of you . . . is clinging to "life". There is a place in your self which is not quite ready to surrender . . . and still wants to have it both ways . . . to be in the world AND still be of it . . . and wanting to take that old self across the river . . . still serving two masters.
You say you want to move on . . . and for this old self to die . . . but really, somewhere deeper inside, you don't. You are still holding on to it, afraid . . . to let your dreams go . . . worried to leave it all to God . . . because . . . what if He has something in mind for you that doesn't fit in with your plans and desires? So, you want God, yes, and to receive His peace . . . but you're clinging to the intention that He will include His peace to encompass your old self and its will.
Many, many people are stuck at this very point. They got some sort of revelation of the truth of Jesus . . . and started towards Him . . . BUT . . . as they neared full commitment--as they got to the point where it was required to DIE and become crucified along with Him . . . they shrunk away . . . just like the Apostles hid and denied knowing Him . . . cowered . . . and ran back to their old selves . . . .
But just like the Apostles . . . despite this initial retreat--which could also be considered a "backslide"--YOU who are the sheep of the Lord's . . . will yet be brought in and will likewise experience that kind of faith which can withstand all manner of persecutions and calumnies . . . . So, do not lose heart . . . during this difficult moment . . . .
It is a good sign that you are admittedly suffering, caught at this "brink". It means you are likely to cross sooner than later . . . .
What is more common . . . and shows a more dangerous and insidious lack of conviction and sincere intent . . . are those who, having heard the call and then come to the "dark night" place . . . then pretend (to themselves and to others) that they have died to self and act as though they have entered into God's rest and are progressing on the Path.
In fact, however, they retain their old self and now just try to wear the "garb" of a true disciple--going to church, publicly giving alms, behaving "good", "being a good person" . . . but yet within, if you could see it (which He does!) they continue full of greed, pride, lust, envy . . . and still chase after the trappings of the world--"success" . . . respect . . . standing . . . position . . . or to be seen and known as an especially "spiritual" person. Oftentimes . . . such a one . . . will find some niche in the "spiritual community" . . . promoting some new, novel angle on scripture . . . where they can be an "expert" and can profit thereby or gain notoriety and subtle elevated status as having a "special" calling, mission or "ministry". [This is not to say that there aren't those who do have an unusual or unique calling or ministry . . . but just to say that more times than not, it turns out to be just another avenue for the self-seeking self to subtly glorify its works rather than being "just another" . . . ignominious . . . unheralded worker in the Vineyard . . . . ]
So, there are a number of forces and beings fighting against the seeker--the budding disciple--trying to prevent him/her selling out completely to Christ. There is the general malaise being blanketed on the population at large--which is partly intended to install a sense of doom inevitability. There are social and political agendas underway which desire a populace that is apathetic, disoriented, depressed and overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness. If those with that agenda can make it so that only a few people feel motivated enough to fight back against (ie., the loss of the country, the perversion of the culture, social and political subterfuge and injustices etc.) then they can complete the transformation of a relatively "free market" society into one of centralized totalitarian control.
Also, those same malevolent agents are guided by evil supernatural beings and forces which also want to suppress and/or derail a person's spiritual conscience--"jamming" the finer processes of the brain and "heart" so as to make it hard to "hear" the still, small voice of the Spirit--to break the connection with God or alter the transmissions of guidance from Spirit, so that the person is confused and seems to be hearing conflicting "voices", "messages" . . . .
Then, there are also actual demonic entities assigned to, or attracted to . . . the person, who work upon their particular weaknesses . . . "familiar spirits" . . . who try to influence and work through people close to the person, through weak family members, friends, co-workers . . . . These evil entities "know where you live" so-to-speak . . . and seem to be able to orchestrate events and situations to maximize their destructive power against you . . . . Uncanny synchronicities occur . . . odd, unnerving coincidences keep popping up that have deleterious effects . . . . Gang stalkers may be involved to heighten the effect of making the person feel outnumbered, surrounded, hopeless . . . .
Currently, one of the most subtle and insidious means of Evil Spirit's attack . . . is through well intended distraction . . . .
Because of the Internet and "social media" . . . the speedy constant release and plethora of "cutting edge" information . . . especially related to "end times" . . . the supernatural . . . "the secret government" . . . etc. and all of their heinous methods of subjugation . . . it is all too easy to become fixated and focused on irrelevant and moot (albeit fascinating) details.
In other words, the seeker can find themselves lost in plunging down "rabbit holes" searching out mysteries and becoming expert on this or that latest diabolical method of Evil Spirit's warfare against the saints.
The seeker--the disciple--makes the mistake of obsessing or spending too much time studying the enemy's tactics and hardware . . . mistaking such study and interest AS BEING THE SAME AS SPIRITUAL PRACTICE. For example (and I am not singling any specific person out here) someone realizes we are being "chemtrailed" . . . and then starts up a mission to discover the who, what, when, where about "chemtrails" . . . and becomes increasingly convinced that "chemtrails" are the single greatest threat to our situation . . . and spends nearly all their waking hours devising "antidotes" or defenses against "chemtrails" and becoming a social activist to try and stop them.
But none of this will get you SAVED. The danger is, that this "activist" . . . no longer is thinking about God, about Jesus . . . spreading the Gospel . . . repenting . . . but is mostly just thinking about . . . "CHEMTRAILS."
Or . . . it could be "aliens" . . . or "nephilim" . . . or H.A.A.R.P. or whatever . . . .
Please understand I am not suggesting that everyone or even anyone who is uncovering things is engaged in misleading or distracting from Godly intentions. It may well be that someone IS called to do these things and I myself am grateful for a lot of the helpful information that has been brought out regarding these kinds of "fringe" subjects. I am more addressing the person who is following along in these areas to the point of forgetting that THE MAIN purpose of this life . . . is not figuring out all the strange mysteries or specific methods of the Enemy . . . BUT RATHER . . . to die to self, surrender to the Lord, love one another, get saved and help others to get saved!
I am sorry . . . I haven't quite yet gotten to some of the practical things that can be done to steer through all of these distractions and attacks . . . . I pray before I write . . . to be able to express what He wants me to say in the matter . . . and then . . . the writing just goes where it is led . . . and I just haven't quite gotten there yet, but I expect I'll be able to do so in the next post. Right now I've got to get ready to go to bible study . . . . But I can say that the basic program of breaking through this "dark night" place . . . to "cross the River Jordan" as I've been "metaphoring" . . . is to GET IMMERSED in the water--the "water" being the Word and the preaching and proper teaching of the Word . . . . IMMERSION saturates the soul with holy power and holy light . . . and this begins to drown out ALL of the competing forces and factions seeking to prevent your crossing . . . . And this is something you can and should do . . . if you are at "the brink" . . . whether you "feel" like it or not . . . .
And more on this in a bit . . . .
God bless you and thank you for listening:)